Happily Married

Contributed by Stephen Wickman, St. Thomas Episcopal, McLean 

In 2003, Robert Waldinger, a psychoanalyst who would later become an ordained Zen Buddhist priest and who had always been preoccupied by questions “with an existential flavor” accepted an offer from Harvard (I know) to take on one of its most prized possessions, the longest-running wellness study in American history. A dozen years later he reported his findings in a TED Talk.  “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” Not achievement, not fortune nor fame, but strong, long-term relationships with spouses, family and friends built on deep trust — that’s the best predictor of well-being. Waldinger had worried that this big “news” was so intuitive he would be laughed off the stage; instead, the talk is one of TED’s most watched to date, having over 27 million views. 

In 2001, when the men in the long-term study were in their late 70s and early 80s, Waldinger’s predecessor had found one of the best predictors of the men’s overall well-being in their old age was how happily married they had been at age 50.  When women were added to the study, the results were the same. One 80-year-old woman told an interviewer she wished she had spent less time getting upset about “silly things” and had spent more “time with my children, husband, mother, father.” For those who reported being in happy marriages, socializing with others in the spouse’s circle also contributed to their happiness. But if one spouse fell into pain or ill health, time spent together alone seemed to protect them from the psychological effects of the physical suffering. He also found that the people who scored highest on measures of attachment to their spouses were also the ones who reported the highest levels of happiness. 

Well, so much for modern science, and Harvard! All the religions of the world have been preaching this forever, though few of our ancient forebears reached their 70s or 80s! 

This blog post is the expressed opinion of its writer and does not necessarily reflect the views of Tysons Interfaith or its members.