Bold Peace:  Loving the Unlikeable

Contributed by Rev. Dr. Trish Hall

At Centers for Spiritual Living, our core belief is Oneness – the inseparability of all creation. 

“We believe in God, the Living Spirit Almighty; One indestructible, absolute, and self-existent Cause. This One manifests Itself in and through all creation but is not absorbed by Its creation.  The manifest universe is the body of God …”

All Creation is the result of the Creator expressing Itself in form.  Its activity is Love. Within the One we are inseparable from one another – those we love and like and those we don’t like and yet are called to love.

We believe our world is the manifestation of God. There is nothing else so the Allness of God includes everything.  Everything is within this One Creation.  Within this creation are people and things we love and try to understand, and people and things that we find incomprehensible.  It includes people we do not like and those we deem to be unlikable.

The task of loving those we have labeled unlikable varies from relatively insignificant to paralyzingly daunting.  Our world view tends to dictate how we relate to all people – the likables and the detestables.  Our emotional responses may vary from casually acknowledging that some people do not appeal to us or hold views that are incompatible with ours, to finding ourselves triggered having gut-level reactions and fear.  The call to love our neighbors isn’t subject to our emotional responses.  The call is clear and is not to be ignored.

Before looking at loving “the unlikable” we need to consider “unlikability.”  How is it determined and by whom?  The dictionary tells us that unlikable is detestable, despicable, contemptible, worthless.  I ask based on what criteria?  I invite you to contemplate the difference between UN-likable, which seems to focus on the nature of the person, versus DIS-likable which seems to relate more to the temporariness of behaviors.  So far, I have not met a parent who hasn’t shared that there have been times when they really didn’t like their offspring yet never wavered in their love for that child.  They didn’t declare that child unlikable, they disliked the behavior and loved their kid.  Dislikable then seems to be redeemable, whereas someone deemed unlikable is inherently flawed.

Likeability is subjective. It is an opinion formed by an individual that then is spread to that person’s circle and ripples out coalescing the perceptions of greater numbers of people.  Interestingly, the process works whether positive or negative.  It is used by celebrities of all kinds.  The process is impartial.  History is fraught with examples of how the same process has been used destructively.  Instead of uplifting someone or moving some great cause forward, it has been used in the opposite direction to impose misery and injustice.  The process can engender mob mentality.  All it takes is someone deciding something about someone and spreading their opinion about that person (aka gossiping), stirring up mobs of like-minded people into acts of violence.  You may say those are extreme examples, and I will challenge that the pattern that conducted witch hunts in the 15^th to 18^th centuries, is as alive and well today as it was then.  It was a demonstration of raging prejudice then.  It remains a demonstration of raging prejudice now.  The focuses of the prejudgments may have changed; the resulting behaviors have not.

How is unlikableness determined?  By whom?  On what criteria?  Is there an unlikableness scale?  Where do you get the information on which you have formed your opinions?

I invite you to examine your own beliefs – to challenge them – to form your own opinions whether or not they are compatible with your family and friends.

Let’s start fresh.  Let’s begin by honoring what we are and why we have the ability to decide what is right for us personally.  As Jane Goodall said, “What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”  It is your right to choose to not examine your beliefs, to conform to some external expectations and remain as you have been.  And you have the right and the privilege to decide to change radically or anywhere in between.  We are blessed that we have those options.  We have those choices because we are endogenous beings – our origin is internal rather than dependent upon external forces.  We are thinking beings that have the power to choose our own courses of action.  I believe that exercising that privilege is our responsibility.

As believers in Oneness, is there a space for anyone to be judged unlikable?   Perhaps, very dislikable?

Preparing for this self-examination, a first step might be to look closely at our own criteria.  Is it a reflection of the society in which we live or our personal values?  Have you reviewed the input of others (media, relatives, etc.) to determine whether it is in alignment with your values – with how Spirit within you is calling you to be?

Oneness assumes that everyone and everything is the expression of One Creator.  Different traditions have given this one creator myriad names.  The names can limit our perceptions – our assumptions about it.  They cannot limit the Creator.  Oneness asks us to accept that it includes what we understand and what we don’t, what we like and what we don’t, what we love and what we don’t.  Oneness calls us to be so open that we can be in the midst of apparent disparities and contrasts and learn strategies to live in peace celebrating diversity within the Oneness.  Oneness invites us to be in integrity and live into the change we want to experience.  Some tough questions remain: Are our hearts big enough to hold a space for those whose behaviors appall us without judging them to be inherently (perhaps permanently) flawed?  Can we expand our concepts of being present with those we do not understand so that we can learn from them while remaining grounded in Love?  Are we willing to be open to the possibility that we can create a world that works for all especially when it requires collaboration with the dislikables?  Are we bold enough to be peace makers in the midst of the antithesis of peace?

Jane Goodall declared, “What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”  I ask, Do you have the courage to stand as Oneness, as a Peace Builder … to be a change-maker?

To learn about the Centers for Spiritual Living’s Global Heart of Peace Initiative, please visit: https://csl.org/spiritual-community/heart-of-peace/.

This blog post is the expressed opinion of its writer and does not necessarily reflect the views of Tysons Interfaith or its members.